Today I felt you.

Today, I felt you. I woke up this morning with a longing to see you. I wake up often and think of you. I went out on the river today with the intention of just getting a little fresh air. I got the air. I also got something else...I got to feel you around me. As I walked through the brush carrying the kayak, I could hear you laughing at me as I complained about how heavy it was. I could hear the jokes you had about me acting like a girl. I laughed to myself as I tried to think of a comeback. I had nothing. So, I just laughed. I slipped on a rock and my foot went into the water. I watched the ripples go and go. I though for a while about the ripples. About the effects of them. About how much would be disturbed by them. These ripples were tiny compared to the ripples that were the result of your death. I wanna go back and tell you to stop. To watch your step, To be more careful, To NOT rush in. I could feel myself crying as I loaded myself into the kayak hoping to not flip over. I'm sure you would have found that too funny. I made my way down the river paddled then floating. I enjoyed the paddling that forced me to breath more and breath in everything living around me. All of the sounds of the water rushing in from the dam. All of the fish flipping through the air. All of the snakes making their way through the water. The cranes effortless flight away from me as I floated towards their hunting grounds. I floated past fish that seemed too big to be real. I know that if you were there you would have tried to grab them. You were always trying to go for the most exciting thing around us. You were always ready to get your hands dirty. I came upon a shallow spot and bottomed out and decided to stay there for a while as the water rushed past me. I laid there and felt the wind blowing across my face. It was in that moment I felt you. I could feel you pulsating though me with each beat of my heart. I wanted to stay there all night. I thought back to all of the times that we had together and I longed for you to be there. I longed for you feel the peace of everything around me. The peace of everything and yet nothing around me. Today I felt you and I felt safe. I will come back to this place one day. I will come back to this place if this is where I can find you. I will come to you, because you bring me peace. A peace that I have found nowhere else. I miss you Crystal. I will see you again.